Objectification...

I need a man who... I need a woman who... I need a dog who.. I need... You may have what you really need right in front of you. The 80/20 rule is explained quite often by counsellors in various roles or positions that include the role of pastor. The rule says that you can meet 1000 people who may have characteristics that fit 20% of what you are looking for in a relationship. You can become strongly attracted to that 20% while you are having a momentary argument with the person who holds the true and meaningful 80% with whom you also share life problems like children with colds or a rickety fence that needs repair. In those moments of tumult, you can find a tempting and maybe long term escape with someone who holds that 20% and develop an emotional attachment that is just really surficial. You could call it emotional adultery when you start to forget to show up for dinner on time or forget your children's skating lessons while you have long texting sessions or tea breaks with this 20%. You are depreciating yourself and your family and it might feel hard to say no. Somehow you will only realise that they do not hold all that you need in this tea jingle until you have held that 20% person as a bargaining emotional gold chip to tell the 80% person that you don't care about how they feel. Well, the 20% might be less patient with fences and the children with colds. They may also leave you like they left their first wife for another woman just like you. ---------------------------------- ---------------------------------- As a corollary, the truth is that your new shoes may boost your self esteem. But, you would not want to be with someone who loves you for just your shoes. If the shoes get old, they might leave. You have to believe you have more to offer that can and will be appreciated. You have 80% of what someone else may need in terms of friendship as a mate. When walking through a subway tunnel with those expensive heels, you notice that you have a great sense of approval with those bright approving glances until you walk past a shoe designer who looks at the shoes in scorn. He designed the shame ( I mean "same" actually) shoes for another company. But your shoes were made with Southern Chinese leather instead of really Southern chinese leather. He would know; so pedantic. It only takes one glance of disapproval and you ran to a shoe store, bought another pair of shoes based on the comments of the sales person and left the first pair of shoes in the change room. Have you heard of something called Storge? Look at yourself and remember that somebody told you that you had the right to breathe air this morning and open your eyes, have a cup of tea and digest something positive for your personal joy and edification. The person who told you that you are alive, with those unique rights that include breathing, approves of you very much. You don't want to treat any man or woman like a pair of shoes that only have value when other people show approval. That person is your friend, spouse and mate. You can always get a new phone, tablet, shirts, trousers and shoes. Go shopping and feel good about the time you spend together because some people may just covet the time you have to spend together buying the mundane. They might have let go of their 80% spouse to end being jealous of yours. You are likely to have what you really need right in front of you. He or she looks great without plastic surgery. Tell them before they start spending all the "bed and breakfast once a month" family cash on a facelift. Fox Mulder said that it is only the vain and insecure who engage in such surgery if it is not for medical/reconstructive reasons. Hot water works great and a swim.