So,you paid a girl for a kiss as a joke once while you were young and single, studying to be a school teacher. Then, you became born again. You never forgave yourself. Because of this lack of forgiveness, you decided to hope, some how, that other people would do the same thing so that they would know how you feel or that you would feel equal. But, do you have to commit a more grievous act to understand God's grace? Moses murdered someone. He had to accept God's forgiveness to be able to serve Him. It was not for Moses to condemn himself and to do so continually since any habit of self flagellation or ceremonial flagellation is a denial of God's grace and a devaluing of Christ's work on the cross. Ceremonial flagellation is something different and is considered a celebration on religious holidays. The issue here is the habit of self forgiveness in light of God's forgiveness in response to one's sincere repentance. God forgave you and you must forgive yourself as a popular preacher once said.