Matriarchy and Patriarchy exist as interdependent realities in all families so that families can work together. Every child in a family is a matriarch or patriarch and constitute an oligarchy in their microcosmic family unit that consults the larger family unit. A house divided cannot stand. If division appears in a family unit, it will only live for one generation.

A really functional "grown-up" relationship will be marked by the lack of emphasis on or issues about power or control. Instead, both the partners will feel closely connected (linkage) while maintaining a strong sense of individuality and independence within the relationship. This is how relationships are meant to be.

However, at the heart of both the Inner Matriarch and Inner Patriarch (the only thing they have ever agreed on) is their  dedication  to preventing this happening.

1. Traditional Patriarchal.

This type of relationship is based on male dominated teachings typically found in conservative religion based societies where the male is regarded as unquestionably dominant. Patriarchal relationships are based on and justified by their traditional view which regards women as weaker, less intelligent and therefore entitled to be controlled by the stronger male. Females are expected to be subservient to males on most matters both within and outside the family. In this kind of relationship while the male experiences many opportunities for independence, there is very little opportunity for the female to experience life as an individual. In patriarchal relationships neither men nor women dare to question this assumption. The Inner patriarch rules so on the surface there appears to be little conflict. Underneath is great pain and suffering and above all a lack of grown-.
This type of relationship while theoretically acknowledging the male as the head of the partnership, in practice places the female in the position where she exercises subtle but powerful forms of control. This results in her having the final say on many significant family issues. Matriarchal relationships tend to regard men as being at best, "little boys" who (when it comes to family matters) need to be guided by stronger women. It is commonly found in many traditional Mediterranean, Eastern European and Jewish societies. Neither male nor females 

2. Traditional Matriarchal.

This type of relationship while theoretically acknowledging the male as the head of the partnership, in practice places the female in the position where she exercises subtle but powerful forms of control. This results in her having the final say on many significant family issues. Matriarchal relationships tend to regard men as being at best, "little boys" who (when it comes to family matters) need to be guided by stronger women. It is commonly found in many traditional Mediterranean, Eastern European and Jewish societies. Neither male nor females feel much sense of independence or freedom to be themselves as individuals. Trust and power is not shared but allocated to different areas some handled by men independently of women’s needs and vice versa.

3. Co-dependent relationship

The unquestioned assumption here is that "the relationship" is more important than the independence of either individual.

Each partner is focused mainly on finding ways to make the "relationship" work. So each partner experiences a major loss of self (their individual identity.) After a while each partner recognises this loss but they each tend to blame the other partner for causing it. Typically a co-dependent relationship allows neither partner very much room to experience life or to grow as an individual. (See page "The Fable of the Two Codependents".)

Once a co-dependent relationship hits a rough spot the Inner Patriarch and Inner Matriarch are quickly on the scene to start undermining the linkage.

4. Fear of abandonment (engulfing - pursuing)   vs  Fear of Engulfment - (avoiding - distancing - cycle) relationship

In a relationship like this, each partner describes themselves as being controlled by the other. However, what one is experiencing as "control" is almost totally opposite what the other is experiencing.  One of them we will call Aban is focused on trying to prevent their partner from abandoning them the other preventing their partner getting too close. The other partner Engul is terrified of Aban getting too close. One of the things Engul does at this point is sometimes described as “Dynamiting the Bridge”

There is an irreconcilable conflict here: 

   * Engul's fear of loss of individuality through being over-controlled by A

   * Aban's  fear of being left alone which for A means having too much individuality 

It’s fertile ground for the Inner Patriarch and Inner Matriarch just waiting to create more pain and more trouble.That leads to more disagreements, which leads to more abandonment for A, more engulfing for E. Backwards and forwards they go. The result is often described as being like a kind of toxic self-defeating dance. It's not a  pretty sight, but one that is all too common.  

All this is explained in detail on the page Fear of abandonment  vs  Fear of Engulfment - cycle

5. The Grown up Relationship

One of the comfortable features of this kind of relationship is that issues around power and control take up very little time and seldom assume much importance for either partner. A peaceful relationship is not one that is free of conflict. It is one where both partners have the ability to deal with conflict in fair and moderate ways, free of the influence of either the Matriarch or the Patriarch.

The two partners work out for themselves and agree on the guidelines that work best for them in their particular relationship. There are no standard rules, each couple has to develop their own set of rules. Typically there will be some emphasis on guidelines about:

   * ways they are both comfortable with for developing a very strong personal bond and ways of connecting closely and comfortably with a high level of trust, mutual respect and friendship

* at the same time, allowing each partner plenty of room to still maintain their individuality, that is each person allowing the other as much space as they need to continue being who they are as an individual

* ways of developing closer intimacy at some times, while maintaining strong individuality at other times

To achieve this kind of outcome both partners will need to become well practised in different grown-up partnership skills. These will in themselves help define the nature of their individual relationship for example:

   * working out ways that suit both partners that allow them to share any resource that is limited, for example, time, money, physical energy, space, professional activities and so on. Examples: For how long and how often does each person want to spend time with the other and how much time apart? How will expenses be shared? What expenses will not be shared? How much time is it OK to spend apart because of work, study, professional or family commitments?

   * agreement about defined limits, that is what is and is not acceptable within the relationship. This is a very important part of providing each partner with a continued sense of being an individual, and protecting them from losing their individuality within the relationship. Some relationships may involve very few limits and still be successful. 

* Deciding on the way each person wants to identify their own  Inner Matriarch and Inner Patriarch (and safe ways to identify and name the other person's) when they try to interfere or undermine the developing grown-up relationship. “We are on to you!!!”

   * a willingness to experiment, to try new ideas and solutions without a guarantee that they will work. It helps if there is acceptance that in a relationship there is no such thing as a totally failed experiment. Some useful new information will always be discovered as a result of trial and error experiments even if the end result shows of no immediate benefit.

   * developing their own set of negotiation (conflict resolution) skills to deal with issues of conflict. Understanding that in every negotiation it is normal for one person to want more or less than the other. Negotiation it is just grown-up way of discovering a midpoint where both are as comfortable as possible with the outcome. 

Useful conflict resolution skills might include for example:

   * mutual sharing, give and take, trade-offs, one person giving up something in return for a benefit from the other 

* agreeing to disagree rather than continue allowing un-resolvable issues to damage the friendship. Agreeing to put a difficult matter on hold (time-out) for a fixed period of time before bringing it up again.

* Blocking the the Inner Matriarch and Inner Patriarch when they try to sabotage the grown-up negotiation process. “We are on to you!!!” 

   * developing the ability to negotiate in a grown-up way about living arrangements, (cooking, tidying, shopping, laundry).

   * Finding ways to help make it safe for each partner to increase their sense of intimacy within the relationship. Understanding that the greater the level of intimacy the more it is normal to experience an increased sense of vulnerability.  

   * developing ways to warn the other partner when this happens, so they can back off for a while or do something which will help make it safer for both of them. (See separate page "Choosing between personal and impersonal channels")

   * developing boundaries that are comfortable for both partners around critical issues such as sexual boundaries and limits, financial boundaries and limits, boundaries and limits relating to other members of the each partner' s family and friends both children and adults.